New Pope, same tired drama— Before you grab a candle and start live-streaming Vatican City like it’s the Met Gala, let’s be real: this isn’t a fresh start, it’s a rerun.
The Catholic Church is rolling out its latest season, but the script hasn’t changed—still heavy on tradition, light on truth, and packed with plot holes.
So grab your popcorn, bless it if you must, and let’s dive into the recurring cast of this holy soap opera and the five ways the Catholic Church catfishes it’s congragation.
#1. “The Vicar of Christ” – That One Guy Who Thinks He’s Jesus’ Assistant
Well bless their hearts, but some folks really believe the Pope is Christ’s official stand-in on Earth. Now darlin’, that’s like calling margarine real butter—it just ain’t the same thing.
You can’t just gather a bunch of fancy-robed men in a gold-trimmed room, cast a few votes like it’s spiritual prom night, and decide someone now represents the Son of God. The Bible makes it plain—there is only one head of the Church, and that’s Jesus Christ Himself:
“And He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything He might be preeminent.” — Colossians 1:18
Jesus isn’t lookin’ for a backup while He steps out for sweet tea. He didn’t pass His authority on to a line of men in tall hats and red shoes. He passed His Spirit to all believers, and He alone is our intercessor:
“Therefore He is able to save completely those who come to God through Him, because He always lives to intercede for them.” — Hebrews 7:25
“No one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.” — 1 Corinthians 3:11
So crowning a sinner—appointed by a bunch of other sinners—and calling him “Holy Father”? Sweetheart, that’s not holiness, that’s pageantry. Jesus warned us about following men instead of God:
“They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.” — Matthew 15:9
Serve it with a smile and a robe if you want, but baby, that’s still a hot mess casserole of confusion. And Jesus didn’t put that on the menu.
2. “The Unifying Figure” – Because Apparently Jesus Didn’t Have Enough Followers
They say the Pope “unites” over a billion people. That may sound impressive, but true unity in the Church doesn’t come from a man—it comes from Jesus Christ alone. The Bible makes it clear: Jesus is the head of the Church (Ephesians 5:23), not a religious figure elected by men.
He didn’t need a publicist, a Twitter account, or a press tour to gather His followers—He did it by speaking truth, showing grace, and laying down His life. If you’re looking for guidance, don’t look to a man in robes—look to the Word of God.
“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” — 2 Timothy 3:16
“There is one body and one Spirit… one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all.” — Ephesians 4:4–6
Jesus prayed for unity among His followers—not around a human figure, but in truth:
“Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.” — John 17:17
So no matter how many followers the Pope claims, true Christian unity begins and ends in Christ and His Word. Not tradition. Not hierarchy. Just Jesus.
3. “The Infallible Chair” – So Now Furniture Has Superpowers?
Well now, this one just takes the pecan pie. So apparently, if the Pope plops himself down in this special chair—they call it ex cathedra—he suddenly becomes infallible. Bless it. I mean, should we all start worrying about our barstools at Starbucks turning holy too? Because baby, no piece of furniture gives you the right to rewrite Scripture.
The idea that a man, sittin’ pretty in designer robes, can speak error-free on matters of faith and morals? Sweetheart, that’s not divine authority—that’s delusion with a gold trim.
The Bible says:
“The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.” — Isaiah 40:8
Not a chair, not a council, not a robe—the Word of God is what stands forever.
And let’s not forget:
“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” — Romans 3:23
So unless that Pope is sittin’ on Jesus’ lap (which, newsflash, he ain’t), he’s not above error. In fact, there’s only one truly infallible authority, and His name is Jesus:
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” — Hebrews 13:8
So darling, sit down, take off the tiara, and open a Bible—because that’s where the real authority lives.
4. “Moral Authority” – Brought to You By: Literal Blasphemy
Now y’all, the Pope says we oughta ask Mary for “special grace.” I’m sorry—come again? Bless his heart, but that’s not biblical intercession, that’s spiritual cosplay with extra sequins. I mean really, when did prayer turn into a heavenly group chat, where you CC the saints and BCC Jesus?
Darlin’, if you’re lookin’ for grace, you don’t need to call Mary—you need to go straight to the source: Jesus Christ, the only one who actually dishes out grace with authority.
The Bible says it plain as sweet tea on a summer day:
“For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.” — 1 Timothy 2:5
Just one mediator. Not two. Not a heavenly entourage. Not His mama, sweet as she was.
And let’s be honest—Mary herself pointed people to Jesus, not to herself:
“Do whatever He tells you.” — John 2:5 (Mary’s words at the wedding in Cana)
Look, no shade to Mary—she was blessed among women, no doubt—but she’s not your spiritual customer service line. That job belongs to Jesus and Jesus alone:
“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” — Hebrews 4:16
So next time someone tells you to call on Mary for a little extra grace, just smile sweetly and say, “Honey, I’ve already got direct access to the King.”
5. And now… To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming
This situation with the Catholic Church goes deeper than the Pope and you know I’m here to call out entertainment- so let me round out this list with a movie review of Carlo Cutis: Roadmap to Reality. A teenage boy who loves Jesus, logs off, and has himself a full-on spiritual glow-up. Sounds sweet enough to top a cupcake. But instead of celebrating his faith journey, they went and turned him into a religious roadside attraction after his untimely death. The body of young Carlo is on permanent display in Italy like he’s part of some saintly spin on the Hall of Presidents. I mean, what in the wax museum is goin’ on here?
Then in the trailer, a sweet girl finds out her mama has cancer… and what does she do? She prays to Carlo. Not Jesus. Carlo. Y’all. I’m gonna need someone to show me where in the Bible it says, “And lo, thou shalt pray to a teenage boy with a laptop.” Because last I checked, that ain’t in there.
“Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.” — Psalm 50:15
“And whatever you ask in my name, I will do it, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” — John 14:13
Sweet Carlo might’ve been a fine young man with a heart for Jesus—and praise God for that—but he’s not your spiritual savior. He didn’t die for your sins. He doesn’t sit at the right hand of the Father. That seat is taken.
And then—y’all hold onto your casseroles—a priest calls Carlo the “antidote to what ails our age.” Baby, I about dropped my spoon. That title already belongs to Jesus. He is the only One who can heal the heart, calm the storm, and raise the dead.
“I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” — John 14:6
So if you’re feelin’ lost, lonely, or just plain overwhelmed by the mess of this world, don’t go lookin’ for answers in a display case. Go to Jesus. He’s not an exhibit. He’s the Savior.
If You Didn’t Get the Hint, Here It Is…
The bottom line is this… if it ain’t in the Bible, it ain’t the truth. You can dress it up in lace, chant it in Latin, or bless it with incense—but if it contradicts the Word of God, it’s just religious theater with a fancy backdrop. The Pope, Mary, saints, relics, and rituals might make for some impressive visuals, but they’ll never replace the real, living Jesus Christ, who already did all the work and tore the veil in two (Matthew 27:51) so we could go straight to the Father.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” — Psalm 119:105
“See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition… and not according to Christ.” — Colossians 2:8
So let the world cling to popes and pageantry if they want—but as for me and my house? We’re stickin’ with Jesus. No middlemen, no marble statues, no magic chairs. Just the Savior who rose from the grave, reigns forever, and actually answers prayer.
“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.” — Hebrews 12:2
Now go grab your Bible, pour yourself some sweet tea, and rest in the truth—you don’t need a pope when you’ve got the King of Kings.
Anyway, time for this Byrd to fly. Bye Bye Now.