Black face, incest, animal cruelty, and a little plagiarism… buckle up, buttercup, because this fairytale about Princess Allerleirauh is about to blow your mind.
Today, we embark on a journey through the captivating tale about Princess Allerleirauh, known as “All Kinds of Fur”… a lesser-known gem nestled within the tapestry of classic folklore.
This enchanting narrative, with its intricate layers of mystery, resilience, and INCEST, offers an exploration of royal marriage that is sure to offend.
After reading this shocking story, you’ll never see royalty the same again.
This blog post is all about Allerleirauh: All Kinds of Furs, the obscure fairytale that sounds an awful lot like Cinderella with the most inappropriate happy ending of all times… oh, and blackface. Enjoy!
The Deathbed Promise
Okay, so, once upon a time, there’s this king, right? Who’s wife was, like, a total blonde bombshell, and she’s all, “Hey, babe, promise me you won’t marry anyone who isn’t as stunning as moi when I’m gone.” And the king’s like, “Sure, sure, whatever you say, honey.” But then, she kicks the bucket, and the king’s left stunned and heartbroken.
His advisors are even more shook, telling the king “Dude, you gotta find yourself a new queen, the stability of your kingdom depends on it.” So scouts are sent, far and wide, to find someone as drop-dead gorgeous as the late monarch. But surprise, surprise, they come back empty-handed because, although there are plenty of pretty faces, none of them had gorgeous golden locks.
Now, get this: the king has a daughter who’s basically a carbon copy of her mother with the same golden hair. So one day, the king looks at his daughter and is like, “Whoa, she’s a spitting image of my late wife. I’m totally in love.” Um, ew, right?
His advisors are like, “Hold up, buddy, that’s seriously messed up. God totally says no-no to marrying your own daughter. It’s like, a one-way ticket to ruin-town.” But the king’s all, “Nah, I made a promise to my wifey and I intend to keep it.”
The princess is freaking out, obviously, and tries to derail the whole plan by making demands that are impossible to meet, telling daddy dearest, “Okay, pops, if you want me as your bride, I need three dresses: one as shiny as the sun, one as silvery as the moon, and one as sparkly as the stars. Oh, and a cloak made from 1000 different animal furs. ” Talk about high maintenance!
But guess what? The king actually goes through with it! He gets the dresses and the cloak made, then declares, “Tomorrow’s our big day!” Yikes! When the princess sees that her dad’s not gonna change his mind, she’s like, “Yeah, no thanks, I’m outta here.” And who can blame her? This is seriously messed up.
A Desperate Escape
She covers her face and hands in black soot, packs up her dresses and a couple of personal things, sneaks off into the forest, finds a cozy spot in a tree and knocks out. She’s comfy for a moment, but her troubles are far from over. The king, who owns the forest, is out hunting with his crew when his dogs sniff out the tree and start barking up a storm. So the king’s like, “What’s in there? Go check it out.” And lo and behold, they find our girl, looking all mysterious in her fur cloak.
They slap her with the name Allerleirauh, (which basically translates to “all kinds of fur”) then shove her into this tiny, dark room under the palace stairs, which would be a total bummer, if the alternative wasn’t her father’s bedchamber. And her gig? Oh, just scrubbing pots and sweeping floors as the new kitchen winch. You know, like Cinderella.
Speaking of Cinderella, there’s a swanky ball happening where all the most eligible bachelorettes are lined up to be the next queen, and she’s like, “Um, can I crash?” The cook’s a total softy and gives her the go ahead, provided she’s back in time to finish her duties. So she sneaks off, washes away the soot, throws on the golden dress her father made for her, and waltzes right into the party. Suddenly, everyone’s like, “Who’s that mystery girl?” and even the king is mesmerized. They dance for a minute, but she ghosts before he can even ask her name.
Back in her dungeon, she hustles to cover herself in soot, throws on her fur coat, and gets back to scrubbing. But this time, she’s asked to prepare the king’s dinner. So, Allerleirauh cooks up this killer soup, drops her golden ring in it, and serves it up to her father. He’s slurping it down like it’s the best thing since sliced bread until he finds the ring. At this point, the castle becomes a royal episode of CSI up in there!
Starting with the cook, who cracks like a cheap phone and spills the tea about Allerleirauh’s secret soup skills. The king’s like, “Fetch her!” But while in the hot seat, she’s all, “I’m just here scrubbing pots, and I know zilch about any golden rings.” Talk about smooth operator!
So, fast forward to the second night of the king’s fancy shindig, and she pulls the same stunt. This time, she rocks the silver dress and disappears to drop her golden spinning wheel in the soup. Again, the king’s impressed, but she plays dumb when confronted. Girl’s got nerves of steel, I tell ya!
The White Finger