Ever heard of this hunk they call Conan? This is the story of a stoic stud and the heist that brought him face-to-face with the unimaginable.
Creating a world that stirs the imagination and lingers in the minds of readers is no small task, but Robert E. Howard did just that with the brutish and uncivilized realm he conjured in what he described as the Hyborian Age. Taking place between the fall of Atlantis and rise of written history, his fables are fierce and far out.
You’re about to meet one of most iconic characters in the world of fantasy and enchantment, Conan. Brace yourself for a truly savage spectacle.
After reading this story, you’ll see why the boys are so obsessed with this battle hardened barbarian and how he’s been able to reach a cult-like status.
This post is all about Conan the Barbarian and his quest for high adventure.
A Super-Savage Scavenger Hunt
Meet Conan
Ok, y’all, let me introduce you to Conan the Barbarian. He’s this total beefcake with a knack for finding a five-finger discount wherever he goes. Picture him cruising into this dive bar in the shadiest part of town. The place is crawling with thirsty girls and dangerous dudes – totally his scene.
So, Conan’s there, probably thinking about his next workout, with a beer in one hand and some scantily clad babe in the other, just living his best life. Then, out of nowhere, he eavesdrops on some gossip about this super exclusive bling called the Heart of the Elephant.
And this jewel? It’s not just any ice; it’s perched in this super-exclusive tower. We’re talking 150 feet tall with a secret entrance you’ll never find, guarded by wild animals. They call it the Tower of the Elephant because, duh, it’s got that fancy gem. And this tower? It’s sitting pretty in the ritzy temple district because where else, right?
A Must Have
Conan, being the alpha he is, can’t resist a challenge. He dives into the chit-chat, looking to snag some deets, and – shocker – ends up in a catfight when the bro vibes turn sour, swords out, and everything. Classic Conan move. Now, this story takes place a hella long time ago, way before electricity, where the only light source is candles. So when this brawl goes down, it’s lights out for the pub, and Conan’s already ghosted by the time they get new wicks lit. He makes a beeline for the temple hood, where he finds the Tower of the Elephant in two seconds and is all set to crash the ultimate VIP section.
So, Conan’s eyeing up this crazy tall tower like it’s no biggie, thinking about how he will break in. But then he’s all, “Wait, what about Yara, the high priest with his creepy magic stuff happening in there?” Total buzzkill moment. Before he can even deal with his drama, he bumps into this other badass, Taurus, a fellow B&E artist with biceps for days, and they decide to team up. Because what’s better than one hunky thief? Two, obviously.
Frenemies
Now they’re both ready to go ham on this heist, even though each man wants the prize for himself. It’s a classic case of “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” The duo ditch their kicks and start climbing the wall, which, by the way, isn’t as tricky as the rumor mill made it out to be, or maybe they’re just that good. They reach the top with no problem, only to look down on the greenhouse inside, all lush and mysterious. Sneaking in, they quickly find it’s more of a Little Shop of Horrors than a Secret Garden vibe, literally crawling with deadly insects. Here’s where Taurus pulls out this brass pipe and starts dusting the place with what I can only imagine is the ancient world’s version of bug spray, taking out all the creepy crawlies lurking in the shrubs. Total pro move.
The commons area may be clear, but the hallways are still a hellscape, and just as they’re feeling all stealthy, Conan gets jumped by a lion. Yes, a lion, a beast so fierce it’s literally called ‘King of the Jungle.’ But we’re talking about Conan, so he just deals with it, nothing his blade can’t handle. However, getting out from under its dead body is a whole scene. Good thing he’s not flying solo, right? But this turns out to be the last bit of help he can expect from his new BFF. After that, Taurus tries to ditch Conan by sneaking through a side door and shutting it behind him. Rude, much?
Betrayal Bites
It turns out karma’s a beast of its own, though, and Taurus is just chilling there, stone-cold dead, by the time Conan catches up. So, Conan’s playing detective, trying to figure out how his backstabbing bestie was deleted, and that’s when he’s like, “Oh snap, spider hickey!” Just as he’s piecing it all together, this massive, nightmare-inducing spider decides to crash the party. And let me tell you, Conan’s usual slice-and-dice routine? Totally useless. But our boy thinks fast, spots this chunky piece of furniture, and hurls it at the spider, like he’s tossing last season’s Prada bag because it just doesn’t work for him anymore. Bam! Spider meets wall, and it’s game over for Charlotte’s not-so-little cousin.
After Conan takes care of the spider drama, he spots this super-glam golden door. It’s like, “Hello, welcome to the VIP section,” with these chic silver stairs leading down to another door that’s basically been dipped in ivory, and dripping with blood diamonds. So extra. Conan’s all geared up, thinking he’s about to snag the big prize, but he’s not ready for the epic plot twist.
Hold Up, What Kind of Nonsense Are We Dealing With Now?
Behind door number two, instead of some shiny jewel, there’s this massive, gross alien thing chilling on a throne. Check this: it’s got a dude’s body but an elephant’s head. Like, who ordered that from the universe? Anyway, needless to say the average guy would’ve noped out of there faster than you can say, “She doesn’t even go here,” but Conan? He just freezes up. Classic tough guy move, but inside, he’s probably freaking out.
Here’s the gag: as he’s standing there trying to get a grip, he realizes this elephant-man isn’t there to start drama. He’s actually the one in trouble, all chained up and looking super miserable. And then, plot twist, this creature starts a taxi cab confession, minus the cab, and Conan’s just standing there, trying to keep up with this interstellar sob story.
So, Dumbo’s all like, “Is that you, Yara? Back for another torture sess?” It’s a total vibe switch for Conan. He goes from super scared to feeling super sorry for this intergalactic hot mess. They do this whole meet-and-greet thing… Conan meet Yag-kosha and vise versa. He finds out this alien, who’s basically an elephant in a man suit, is just thankful to hear a friendly voice.
A Budding Bromance
Turns out, this Yag-kosha dude used to zip around space before he got stuck on Earth, all because our air did a number on his wings. Major bummer. He spills the tea about how he was basically Yara’s magic tutor back in the day, teaching him all the chill spells. But Yara was thirsty for the dark stuff—the kind of magic that makes you ruler of, like, everything.
When Elephant man refuses to share his top secret spells, The sorcerer cons him into building his own Barbie Dreamhouse prison, and then goes full savage mode, chaining him up and turning his life into a total nightmare, just shy of making him wear pink on Wednesdays! Yag-kosha, though, kept one little magic trick up his sleeve for some sweet, sweet revenge, and now with Conan as his new bro, it’s like, “Watch your back, Yara.”
Seriously, EW!
So, Horton tells our boy, “Check out that altar, over there, with the flashy red gem.” And Conan’s like, “Bingo!, that’s the infamous stone everyone’s gabbing about.” But before he can start making any big plans, Yag-kosha hits him up for help deploying a sinister spell against his captor and springs the ultimate emo request: “Cut out my heart and use it to give that bling a blood facial.” Total goth move. Now, if Conan’s anything like me, he’s thinking, “Wait, what? Gross! What pawn shop would buy that?” However, this would-be thief is on a hero’s journey now and totally down for some mercy action.
He does the deed, and instead of the gem going all dramatic with the whole dripping thing, it just slurps up all the blood like it’s an Instagram influencer with a smoothie. Conan’s all business after that and does precisely what the revenge ritual calls for, starting with finding Yara’s lair. Google Maps would be a big help here, but that’s a no-go, leaving Conan to follow the breadcrumbs to where he sees this jerkwad low-key vibing in his evil chill zone.
Surprise Mofo!
Conan drops Yag-kosha’s name, and it’s like he snapped Yara out of the best meditation of his life. Then the barbarian whips out the stone, and it starts spitting out smoke like it’s a dragon. Yara freaks and begins this weird shrink show, going from basketball player to Polly Pocket in seconds flat. Totally shook, the itsy bitsy teenie weenie wizard jumps up on a table and tries to stage dive onto the jewel like it’s the last lifeboat leaving the Titanic, only to go full Wicked Witch of the West, melting into the gem which then poofs into glittery smoke. Major special effects moment.
As for the hero of this fable, he books it out of there ASAP just before the tower does its best impression of a drama queen’s exit, collapsing into a dramatic heap.
So He Wraps It All Up With a Perfect Little Bow of Fabulousness
In the end, Conan finds there’s more to life than money when he struts out of the Temple District with zilch in his pockets, yet armed with the kind of jaw-dropping tale that’s totally going to steal the spotlight at happy hour. After all, there will always be some lush to loot, but how often do you get to redeem a ancient alien lifeform while ridding the world of an a-hole? I mean, you gotta have priorities, right?
Anyway, time for this Byrd to fly. Until next time... XOXO Virginia
P.S... add an entry to your Burn Book by throwing shade on this coloring page. CLICK THIS LINK TO DOWNLOAD PRINTABLE PDF: Conan Burn Page
FOR PRINTABLE PDF: Conan Burn Page